Loosing a child: the grief that never ends

Jada Brumilda Matroos was born today the 25th of April, 16 years ago. So tiny and precious she was. Rosy soft round cheeks and long fingers. She was just so beautiful I could just stare at her little face all day.

Just two days after she was born, she died. I still find it difficult to talk about everything in detail. It was a very difficult time.

At the young age of 20 years death hit me hard. I was confused and bitter. The breasts were full of milk. My body still in pain, her smell everywhere. I would sit for hours pressing the milk out. I didnt have a baby to feed. She was gone..

I prayed to God to take me too cause the pain was just too much for me. I asked so many why’s.

Grief is a strange thing.

The pain gets lighter as time past, but it never goes away. Somedays out of the blue it comes back with all that is. Strong and sharp. Taking me back again to relive every moment of those painful days.

After loosing her, I was so desperate to get a baby again. I wanted to hold a baby in my arms again. I thought getting another baby will stop the pain. That it will fill up the whole in my heart that was open and bleeding. How mistaken was I. After having two children, which I love so much, I have realised that one child cant replace other. Each one is special.

I have come to accept that the pain of loosing a child stays. I will always long for my princess.

Happy heavenly birthday Jada!

Advertisements

Its in the “little” things

The moment you get comfortable, something else comes up.

I was geniunely suprise and kind of shock when I came to know the real meaning about the ups and downs of life. I don’t have it really clear on what I thought life should be or how its suppose to be. I guess I thought its suppose to be all good and if not then I have to try all that I can to make it good.

It was in only 2017 that it hit me. This is life! With its good, bad, ugly and beautiful. Its all inbetween and it doesnt matter. Nothing is in perfect order. All can happen at once. It can be great and then next it can change in a split second.

It really helped me to look at life from a different perspective. As the saying goes; with age comes wisdom. I came to the realisation of one thing:

The “small” things count.

What we perceive as small, unimportant or not so special actually is VERY IMPORTANT. Dont wait until you get that big house, car, right weight, big promotion, degree etc to fully enjoy life. By the time you get those, something else might come up.

The real meaning is in what we think as small or nothing. Like taking a long walk. Sitting down and talk “nonsense” with your kids, spouse etc. Take that dance course, help someone if you can. Pass a smile, pass a compliment.

Put on your best outfit any day you want. Dont wait for a ” special” occasion. I do this very often ☺. Let nobody tell you otherwise.Do you.

Have a dream on doing something? Go for it! If it works, good. If not, it’s fine too. You tried.

The point is: tomorrow is not a promise and that’s okay. You can only be sure about now. So be in the now and make the “SMALL” things count.

The chronicles of washing dishes

What’s the big deal with washing dishes anyway?

I swear I am the only one in the whole universe that make it an issue. It most probably is not, but to me it feels like. Give me all the house chores but dishes.

Growing up, the responsibility of washing dishes was entirely on us kids. When I say entirely I mean ENTIRELY. Adults did not do dishes. Why? Because adults apparently couldn’t cook ánd do dishes! That was like an insult. It was a big NO NO. That’s when my sister and I started to work out an official work schedule. Today her, tomorrow me. We figured that way we can make it work. It still didn’t make that much of a difference to me. I remember, some days I would completely forget about it and than it would end up in a petty argument between us. I was like, “nope, its not my day! I did it yesterday”. Yep, it was basically a life struggle and it still continues until now.

Anyway, its back then that I made my things-not-to-do-when-I-grow up list. Before that I only had a list of thing to do and things to eat. Things to do list included things like traveling, visiting far-off places. Things-to- eat list included a big tin of powdered baby milk and a huge box of baby cereal! Little did I know that as an adult I would hate the taste of it.

So, yes that’s when I made the decision that I would never wash dishes when I grow up. How wrong was I! As a wife and a mom, I somehow got the complete responsibility of washing dishes. No agreement was signed. It just happened to be like that,some how.

20180410_100845

The magic of dishes are that they just appear out of nowhere. Before you know you have the whole basin full. It doesn’t matter the size of the family or at least to me. We are just four yet it feels like ten! Por favor someone, explain to me why?

Now, I know there are people out there that absolutely love doing dishes. For some its apparently therapeutic. I kinda secretly envy these people. I wish I could be like that. Maybe one of them can come help out a sister ☺!

Every time I do dishes I do not like it, yet the sight of a basin full of dishes freaks me out to the point that I just have to clean up. Oh, and that winning feeling you get once its all done. One of the best. Clean kitchen, no dishes in the basin! The feeling of victory, even just for a few hours, until the next…