Jada Brumilda Matroos was born today the 25th of April, 16 years ago. So tiny and precious she was. Rosy soft round cheeks and long fingers. She was just so beautiful I could just stare at her little face all day.
Just two days after she was born, she died. I still find it difficult to talk about everything in detail. It was a very difficult time.
At the young age of 20 years death hit me hard. I was confused and bitter. The breasts were full of milk. My body still in pain, her smell everywhere. I would sit for hours pressing the milk out. I didnt have a baby to feed. She was gone..
I prayed to God to take me too cause the pain was just too much for me. I asked so many why’s.
Grief is a strange thing.
The pain gets lighter as time past, but it never goes away. Somedays out of the blue it comes back with all that is. Strong and sharp. Taking me back again to relive every moment of those painful days.
After loosing her, I was so desperate to get a baby again. I wanted to hold a baby in my arms again. I thought getting another baby will stop the pain. That it will fill up the whole in my heart that was open and bleeding. How mistaken was I. After having two children, which I love so much, I have realised that one child cant replace other. Each one is special.
I have come to accept that the pain of loosing a child stays. I will always long for my princess.
Happy heavenly birthday Jada!